I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
