I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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