I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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