As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
