I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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