According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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