i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
