I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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