she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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