Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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