If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
