I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize