Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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