you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
