hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize