I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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