Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
