I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
