i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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