I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
