My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
