If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
