After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
