why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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