im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
