I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
