So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
