I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
