wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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