i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
