Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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