highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
