the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I supernannyed him into submission
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
