I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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