In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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