I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
