"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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