What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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