My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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