I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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