ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
