and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
