New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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