I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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