She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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