I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
