I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
