apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
