woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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