I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize