when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
