im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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