How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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