A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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