Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
