You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
