he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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