it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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