MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
