You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
