I cannot find my penis.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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