You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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