dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize