Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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