She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
