I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
