he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
