we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
