I think I won the penis lottery.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
