There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
