I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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