So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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